The question of how open to be is a sensitive one.

Some children who are already in private schools are often surrounded by other kids who are also applying. The chatter about who is applying where, what one’s scores were, and class rank can add pressure to what is already an anxious situation.

Other children are in schools where the majority of their peers are continuing on to public school, and their desire to go to an independent school is baffling at best and considered a sign of elitism at worst.

We encouraged our children to be open and honest about the schools they were considering but also to be sensitive to how they frame their desire to go to boarding school. We firmly believe the kids (and indeed all of us) end up in their right place.

A young public school friend of mine was recently told by a friend “I’m going to boarding school so I can be with other people like me.” Naturally my friend’s feelings were hurt. We encouraged our children to talk about finding the school that is the right fit for them, rather than suggest that one school is better than another. That said, parents and children need to be comfortable knowing that the school that is the right fit for them may not be the most prestigious or the one with the most social cache.

We live in New England, and our daughter attends a terrific, competitive school on the west coast. I was asked once if she was at a school for troubled teens because she is so far away and the questioner hadn’t heard of her school! This is a true story. As we were recently told at a college counseling event, “The bumper sticker on your car is not your grade as a parent.”

I believe it is our responsibility as parents to buffer our kids from the stress, particularly in these last weeks before the admission decisions are mailed. Our confidence that they will be in their right place and enthusiasm about revisiting schools will help our children deal with whatever the decisions are.

My reader’s next question was whether the parents’ collegiate academic credentials influenced an admissions decision.

My sense is that the competitive high schools are very successful in getting their students into the most competitive colleges based on the students own academic records and abilities. It seems that the applicant pools are so large and so talented that legacies no longer carry the weight they once did. I doubt whether where the parents went to college has any bearing on the admissions decisions.

In fact my guess is that with the economic downturn the greatest interest schools have in parents is whether they can pay the tuition and maybe give a generous annual fund contribution. Many schools that were once need blind have had to suspend that policy.

This is merely based on my own observation rather than any hard data. Despite the drop in endowments, many qualified students continue to receive generous financial aid packages from schools committed to attracting a talent and broad-based student body.

Once the decision is made, there are some long months of anticipation. This school made the wait easier by notifying us early on of what we could expect from the school when. For our organized child, it was comforting to receive class assignments, book order forms, lists of what to bring throughout the summer. Her dorm prefect sent a postcard brimming with enthusiasm from her summer travels, her advisor sent e-mails and a card, and her dorm master’s small children sent a photo of themselves with a welcoming note. Another great support was a call from a current parent who lives in the next state offering to answer any questions or address any concerns. It turned out there are two other freshman girls who live within two hours of us. The girls were able to meet in Boston in August. It was reassuring to our daughter to know there would be familiar faces on opening day. Facebook was also a huge help as she became “friends” with many of her class-mates before she ever met them.

Finally the headmaster and his wife hosted a dinner for new out-of-state students and their families the night before school opened. Again the opportunity to meet other new students and the prefects in a smaller, social setting helped enormously in reducing all of our anxiety. It was interesting and fun for us to meet other parents and visit with faculty. When we arrived for the dinner, the admission staff greeted us all by name which was impressive advance work.

While I did have to wear sunglasses to hide my tears as we drove away the next day, there has never been a moment that our daughter has regretted her decision. Of course she misses us and misses her friends from home, but she is absolutely in the right school.

In the intervening weeks, we have often spoken and e-mailed with our daughter about her academics and other activities. We also hear frequently from her advisor and dorm head who send e-mails and photographs. It all helps us feel not so far away.

Two weeks ago we visited for Parents’ Weekend. Our daughter is so happy and joyfully introduced us to her friends and teachers. Again impressive staff work resulted in an interesting and educational event. We were entertained by the various performing arts groups, saw an excerpt of the play, had a town-hall meeting with the head, attended mini-classes and watched sporting events. That we got to do all this in the lovely California setting was an added bonus. It was such fun to see these children who were timid and nervous on the first day now brimming with confidence and enthusiasm for their activities. Best of all when we left this time, there were no tears on either side as we know she is just where she should be and she is so engaged and happy in all she has going on at school.

This year we’re thrilled to announce that the lineup gets even bigger by expanding our coverage with the addition of voices and views from members of the boarding school community.

A fantastic stable of contributors will make regular contributions throughout the year.

We’ll hear from teachers, admission directors, educational consultants, trustees, parents, and students. Each will share his/her observations and thoughts about events, trends, and perspectives from their perch in the boarding school world.

This chorus of views will build a rich picture of boarding school life and opportunities. We welcome the following contributors for the 2009-2010 school year- we’re excited to have them on board.

New Contributors to onBoarding Schools!

Jesse Roberts, West Nottingham Academy

Sven Cole, Bridgton Academy

Faculty from Idyllwild Arts Academy

Bill McMahon, The Thacher School

Matt Anderson & Students, The Webb School (TN)

Derek Perkins, Culver Academies

Nicole Steeves, Maine Central Institute

Cory Awde, Sedbergh School

Logan DeLoach, Asheville School

Carolyn Hines, boarding school parent

Dan Thompson, Fork Union Military Academy

Anne Richardson, Kents Hill School

Cammie Bertram, educational consultant

Rob Cassella, Gould Academy trustee and parent

William Wiebking, Hargrave Military Academy

Stay tuned for their posts. A brief biography will accompany each authors first post of the year.

The last step in the process was the school re-visits. Initially we planned to attend re-visit day at three schools just to be sure we were making the right decision. After two it was clear which school was the right one, and we canceled our third re-visit.

The first visit was to the school in California which we have all loved since our first visit. This school invites accepted students for an overnight, beginning with dinner. Our daughter was nervous but excited. From the moment we arrived our daughter was addressed by name. It was an impressive effort by the admissions office. She was quickly swept into a group of freshman girls with the other visitors and barely gave us a backward glance. The parents were invited to the headmaster’s house for cocktails and a visit. While many of the other families were from California, we also met people from Chicago, Nevada, and New Jersey. The headmaster gave a powerful talk about what teenagers need from school and from adults to grow into responsible adults and about his vision for the school. As his views align with ours, we were very comfortable with all we heard. His wife, also an academic, was so welcoming and gracious and assured us that she would keep an eye on our daughter. The next day while our daughter shadowed her hostess, the parents were invited to attend classes, served lunch in the dining hall and met with the Dean of Studies and the Dean of Students then went to watch sports. While we may have been swayed by the sun, orange groves, and hibiscus, we remained as impressed with the school as we had been on our first visit. Once we were all together again, our daughter was ready to commit. The physics class had been “the coolest class” she had ever attended. The other students were wonderful, and the extra-curricular activities all met her interests.

We did re-visit another school the following Monday. This was a 9 to 2:30 visit which started with a panel discussion by some current students and faculty. The focus was much more on the day to day life of the school. Then our daughter attended a couple of classes while the parents heard more about the academics. At lunch the headmaster, a most impressive and humorous man spoke to the parents, and we had a chance to visit one-on-one with teachers.  We reconvened with our children for ice cream and meeting with the heads of various departments. While we were no longer seriously considering this school, the death knell was our daughter’s report that students were playing video games during class and talking over the teachers. The second visit definitely gave us a clearer view of both schools.

It has been a fascinating process over the last nine months during which we have learned a lot about ourselves, our daughter and secondary schools. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to share our experience with you.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under
the pen name “Boarding School Mom” and all family, child consultant,
and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ’s
Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com. 

As through the whole experience, the culture of a school shines through their communications with applicants. One acceptance yesterday was a single page form letter for our daughter and a similar letter for us with all the information on tuition and fees. Not a missive which made her feel particularly special or wanted.

The other school, fortunately her first choice, sent a highly personalized package including an acceptance letter citing her references and her distinctive qualifications, information about the re-visit days and, most exciting to her, a bumper sticker.

The school which informed us by e-mail early this morning included a link to youtube with a special message, but as we have only dial-up in the provinces, we’re unable to view it and are hoping it doesn’t have any requisite information.

We hope the last letter contains positive news as it is one of two schools which she would like to re-visit. There is a long exhale at our house.

The applications are in, and there is little you can do but bite your nails and wait. However, the endless flow of questions is not over. This time instead of what to wear to the interview, when is the interview, what should my essay be, etc., the questions are did I do everything I could have done, did I do my very best work, etc. These questions can sometimes be more mentally exhausting and more worrisome then questions about the interview or applications. Most humans like to feel in control and these questions are putting me as from the control booth as we can be. This adds to your level of anxiety.

I’m not here to give you breathing exercises or say “yes” with a little bit of magic the questions will fade and you can sleep at night once more. However, sometimes when you realize that you’re not the only one dealing with these issues; things can seem less intense or unreachable. For me the waiting has been more of an excitement than anything else. I want to know, but have not been nervous about finding out or scared about what the results will be. However as the deadline slowly approaches, I’ve become more nervous, counting down the days, and silently praying that everything will turn out right.

When the applications first go in, it’s more of a relief than anything else as you feel free for the first time in weeks and your arms can finally rest. Your worries about getting carpal tunnel syndrome disappear, and you relax for the first time since September. However, by the end of January your mind starts throwing questions of doubt at you, and you lose your relaxed feel. From there you’re simply sliding downwards. For all of February I fought these questions and tried to convince myself that I’d done my very best. I could manage to relax again during sports and at home, but school was still a tense mess. I felt like there was nothing I could do, and I was partly right. These feelings are completely natural. High school is a huge deal and going to the perfect place is something to fret over, but you can also fall back on the truth that you will be in your right place. It worked and once again I was completely relaxed just looking forward to finding out the results.  Then, the nightmares and horrible thoughts started. This time however they weren’t fueled by my own over-excited imagination or my mind, but by other people.

You can’t control what people say to you, but when every person you talk to asks you if you’re nervous or if you’ve heard from schools, you start to become nervous and more edgy about finding out. The more people that asked the more anxious I became. The first time I freaked due to boarding school fears was when my report card came. At any other time, I knew it would have been excellent, but this time I was having visions of getting straight “F’s” and my teachers writing terrifying comments. This was a completely nonsensical worry, because I knew this couldn’t be true, yet in my frazzled state I’d almost managed to convince myself I was getting “F’s”. I am now worried that each letter next week will contain a rejection and am now in a feverish state about what’s going on. However, I have managed to convince myself that I did everything I could. The one thing that I’ve found hard to accept, but know is true is that getting in or getting rejected doesn’t change who you are. You are still the same great person it just means it wasn’t meant to be and who knows like my brother it could turn out to be for the better! (read first Boarding school mom blog)

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under
the pen name “Boarding School Mom” and all family, child consultant,
and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ’s
Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com. 
 

Photo credit: alexanderdrachmann

Our consultant has shared that she is hearing positive comments from her contacts at the schools at which we’ve applied. However our daughter is getting a little frazzled. We are making as few commitments as possible in late March and early April so that we are able to attend re-visit days as necessary. The benefit is that we have realized that our last child is (hopefully) leaving in five months which makes us treasure each moment with her and makes us much more patient when our buttons are pushed.

I have been privileged to spend time lately with a young man in eighth grade currently in a junior boarding school who will be applying next fall to prep school. A thoughtful and organized kid, he is already thinking about where he wants to apply; so we spent a couple of days visiting schools to get a feel for whether or not they are places he wants to interview in the fall. It’s been fun seeing schools I had visited with my children in a different season and through another’s eyes and also interesting to visit some new campuses. An athlete and a thespian, the priority for him has been to visit the gym and the theater at each school, which does indicate the value a school places on each.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under
the pen name “Boarding School Mom” and all family, child consultant,
and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ’s
Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com.

Our daughter was scheduled to have her SSATs privately administered the day after the storm struck. She did that as the consultant had a wood stove and kerosene lamps, so we figured our daughter would at least be warmer than she would at home. However, she didn’t score as well as expected, which we hope is due to the unusual circumstances and not an inaptitude for test taking. This meant that last Saturday, at the last possible session, she took the SSATs again. This also meant that a precious three hours were lost in the final weekend before applications were due.

Having decided to apply to five schools, none of which have similar essays, she got to work. We were impressed by her diligence in writing essays, editing and re-editing them. Her self-discipline and initiative were in marked contrast to our son’s procrastination and seeming disinterest. She agonized over her most memorable day, what she hopes to gain from boarding school and which photographs to attach. My husband and I agonized over the parents’ statements and breathed a lot in the face of helping her manage her anxiety over presenting herself as well as possible. As the deadline approached this week, we at last wrote the checks and sent the applications off.

The interviewing and applying has consumed such a large part of our fall that while we all feel much lighter having the process behind us, we will also miss the fun of learning about new schools. We have been blessed to meet so many interesting and impressive students and admissions officers during this journey. Now we wait until mid-March…

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes underthe pen name “Boarding School Mom” and all family, child consultant, and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ’s Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com.

Our school visit was the fourth day. The drive to the campus winds through orange and olive groves and ends in a breathtaking view of the surrounding countryside. When we first arrived all of us there for interviews were introduced to each other , and we sat in the reception room and chatted with the admissions officers. They also had the best scones of all the schools we have visited and a lovely selection of teas and coffee. This always makes me feel as if my child will be well-fed.

It’s one of those schools where the child has a separate tour from the parents. Our tour guide was well-chosen for Easterners anxious about sending their baby far from home as she too was from the East Coast. She spoke articulately about the school and her reasons for loving it. Afterwards we realized we had seen very few indoor spaces, rather the tour was about the ethos and culture of the school. The interview was similar in that we skipped right over many of the traditional questions on both sides and went right to approaches to education and how our family values fit with the school’s values. When we were told that there are no mall trips, we knew the school could be a great fit for our child.
 
After the interview we had the opportunity to watch the student-run school assembly, where we were impressed by how supportive the students were of each other and how articulately the made their announcements. That it was held in an outdoor amphitheater further added to the charm of the school.

It was exciting for us to visit a school which is so true to its mission, so committed to having the students lead active outdoor lives while still maintaining the highest academics standards. We left calculating how many trips our frequent-flyer miles would get us if our daughter is fortunate enough to be accepted.

Over Thanksgiving, we sorted out all the reference forms with a separate folder for each subject, signed all the releases and stamped all the envelopes before putting it all in a big envelope for the administrator at her school to distribute. Two of the schools like an additional personal reference. This is a more difficult decision as we wanted someone who knows our daughter well but also whom we also feel will take the time to write a thoughtful and balanced recommendation. Our daughter chose to ask her riding instructor.  Our son asked a Boy Scout leader and a Sunday School teacher. I am a believer in accompanying the references with an effusive thank you note as writing all of them for the many eighth graders who are applying to schools must be a labor of love.

Our daughter is now on her own to write the essays while we write our own essays for the parent statements. In our house that means, I write and my husband edits.  It’s hard not to provide input into their essays and hard to distill my child into a page on her strengths and weaknesses. Maybe AdmissionsQuest can tell us how the essays are weighted versus the interview and recommendations. It might relieve some of the pressure.