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Editor's Note: "A Parent's Boarding School Admission Journal" appears every Thursday throughout the admission season. Check-in each week to read the Boarding School Mom's latest entry.

A lovely fall day found us in a suburban part of New England visiting two very different schools, both of which are viewed as very desirable. The outcome has posed a family challenge and one we'll be grateful to have the consultant aid us in resolving. Our daughter liked the first school and had a strong aversion to the second while her parents had the opposite view on each school.

The first has a decidedly academic bent with strong arts and weak athletics and a large day student population. It is a school where a student takes the prospective student on tour and a current parent tours the prospective parents. Our daughter really enjoyed the international student who gave her the tour. The parent who showed us around had an infectious enthusiasm for the school, and indeed I can see how our daughter might thrive there. However, the adult tour guide said two things that gave me pause. The first was that she didn't understand what people meant when they talked about the fit of a school as she thinks every child would fit at this school. Well into my third year of touring prep schools and having had children in both public and private schools for the last twelve years, it has become clear to me that schools have distinct cultures and personalities and every school isn't a match for every child, so this comment baffled me and made me feel she was perhaps naive. The next shocking comment was in response to my question about disciplinary policy to which she responded, "Well my son says that if you get caught smoking dope, you get spoken to; but if you're not nice to someone, you really get in trouble." Perhaps I'm too provincial, but this approach to discipline captured my attention. This was later explained to me as high achieving kids are terrified of getting in trouble, so they need to be able to make mistakes and learn that adults will still love them and that their lives aren't over. Framed that way, the policy made more sense and I am now open to a "multiple strike" approach. A friend touring this same school with her daughter was told that the school is better off without strong football and hockey programs as they would only attract aggressive students. As luck would have it, our friend's son is a hockey player at another school.

Next we visited a movie-set traditional and lovely school at which children of close friends are very happy. Despite no offer of coffee, tea or a cookie for which we were desperate having had not time for lunch after our first interview, we had a good tour with a lively and enthusiastic guide and our daughter's interview seemingly went well. My husband and I were thrilled at having another solid school on the "to apply" list. Our bubble was burst when our daughter got in the car and announced she hated the school. She felt the lovely façade masked a school where boys only want to be "jacked" (very muscular and fit for those of you who don't have teenage boys) and seen as cool jocks and the girls are pressured to be pretty and not seem smart. (For those of you who are interested in gender differentiation in prep schools and wealth communities Perfectly Prep by Sarah Chase is a fascinating book.) This was apparently triggered by a photo in a year book of a dorm with its male residents lined up outside without shirts yet wearing ties and by the tour guide who was expensively dressed but admitted to not being a very strong student. While we are sure the academics are competitive enough at this school that our daughter is probably somewhat mistaken in her read of the culture, she will not be swayed.

While at this last school, my heart went out to a small eighth grade boy touring with his father. Throughout our tour we noticed this child tagging along behind the tour guide while his father kept wandering off in search of cell reception. Back in the reception area, I began chatting with the boy as the father was still off on the phone. It turns out he is a second cousin to some friends of ours. When the time came for the admissions officer to interview the father, he was still out on the campus talking on the phone. I can only hope he had an emergency at home as an excuse as I have since found out this parent is retired. It seemed to me disrespectful of both his son and the admissions officer.

An interesting difference I've noticed this year from prior years of school visits is that the schools seem to be wooing us much more. All but one school interviewer has sent a follow-up note or e-mail to our daughter, and they seem to be much more in sell mode. While I thought this was because they feared fewer applications this cycle due to the economy, admissions officers deny it. At one school we heard that they expect applications to be up, however the admissions' process won't be as need blind as in previous years due to the reduced value of the endowment. Whatever the reason, it is very nice to have our visits and interest in a school acknowledged.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under the pen name "Boarding School Mom" and all family, child consultant, and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ's Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com. 

Editor's Note: "A Parent's Boarding School Admission Journal" appears every Thursday throughout the admission season. Check-in each week to read the Boarding School Mom's latest entry.

Our second school visit with our daughter was to a single-sex school relatively close to home that has the sports about which our daughter is passionate. My optimism quickly faded as we had to wait twenty minutes for our tour guide and there remained only one hot cup and one cookie to tide the three of us over on a damp day. When she arrived our tour guide was a lovely, friendly girl who, when asked about weekend activities at a school with a high percentage of day students, replied she goes home every weekend. This was a red flag to me who does not want to be picking our child up in rush hour every Friday. She also commented on how well put together the girls at the school are when all I saw was girls in sweat pants and artistically ripped jeans, a comment my daughter, who is slightly fashion sensitive, found shocking. We were shown all the academic support centers but didn't see many engaged girls in classrooms. Once in the actual interview, I hoped the interviewer would talk to us about how the school used their single-sex status to develop strong leaders and thinkers, but unfortunately she didn't. The most interesting part of the day was meeting a family from the mid-west who returning the following week with their son to look at junior boarding schools, so we had a great chat about those options. We all left feeling deflated and disappointed that a school which seemed to have such possibilities felt so stagnant.

The next day we visited a highly selective small New England school, which we all loved and about which our highly-focused daughter was very excited. The campus was lovely, the tour guide lively and passionate about the school, the academics clearly outstanding. It felt right to all of us. Then the terrible moment when the parents go in to be interviewed, and the interviewer asks "What can I tell you about the school?" For some reason, probably not rationale, this signals to me that they aren't interested in our child and just want to move us on. While I am usually prepared for this tactic with a good strategic question, I was distracted because the name of the interviewer wasn't the name on the door and lost my train of thought. Fortunately my husband was in better form early that morning and carried the conversation. As we have found that admission representatives often interview in offices not there own, beware and pay attention to their name. Our consultant, who seems to have a personal connection to someone at every school, did indeed report back that they felt our daughter probably lacked enough extra-curricular activities to be accepted. Our daughter is determined however and plans to apply to this school. We fear it's a waste of $50.

Columbus Day weekend took us to a beautiful part of New England for a school visit. Not realizing it was a holiday weekend, I failed to make a hotel reservation in a timely manner, which left us stranded at a motel with a party in the parking lot in a dying mill town. This is the school my brother had left after two years because he was so unhappy, so I visited only at our daughter's insistence. My spirits were raised by the hot coffee and pastries they had in the waiting room. Somehow, a hospitable reception area always makes me feel a school will tend to my child's needs. To my delight, the school seems to be moving in a positive direction, the party atmosphere seems to have faded with the last century, and we were all really impressed by the friendly students, comfortable facilities and generally happy feeling we got from the school. The tour guide was engaging, had wide interests and seemed to connect with our daughter. The admission officer seemed to like us too and want to spend time talking with us which is always salve to the ego. However what was most impressive is that the coach of our daughter's favorite sport took forty-five minutes to talk with us about his philosophy and show us the athletic facilities. Our daughter was sold. My husband and I are left wondering if there is a decent hotel nearby and how often we'll see our child given how far from home this school is.

If these schools are starting to blur for you, they are for us too. Next we visited a smaller, picturesque school, which has perhaps the best admissions' effort I've encountered. We had loved this school when we visited with our son and were sure our daughter would too. Not only is there plenty of hot coffee in the reception area, but both times I've toured the school, the headmaster has come out to shake hands, there are students available to chat with candidates while they wait for their interview and there are parent volunteers available to answer questions. The academics are rigorous, the students seem engaged, and the school feels like a close-knit community. It is a very smooth operation. It is also a school where the parent and child are given separate tours. (My family has divergent opinions about separate tours. Our daughter and I like it as we can both ask as many questions as we want. My husband believes it's a family experience to be shared. I do agree with him that it's good to be able to speak with a student while touring.) I loved my tour, but our daughter reported that her tour guide didn't seem to enthusiastic about any of the school activities; and she had the impression it was structured beyond her needs. We were interviewed by an admissions intern who was delightful, but I felt that if they were serious about our daughter's candidacy, they would have given us a different admissions officer. Surprisingly the consultant reported back that they did indeed like our daughter, so as of now it's still on the list of possibilities.

We are now halfway through our eleven visits and so far have only ruled out one school. Our daughter's goal is to apply to six schools, so this is positive. We also spent Parents' Weekend at our son's school during this time which has made us more sophisticated consumers but also causes us to compare and contrast the other schools to his school which is an unfair bias on our part.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under the pen name "Boarding School Mom" and all family, child consultant, and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ's Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com. 

Editor's Note: "A Parent's Boarding School Admission Journal" appears every Thursday throughout the admission season. Check-in each week to read the Boarding School Mom's latest entry.

Before continuing with our adventures on the boarding school trail, I want to share my experiences over the past two weekends. These examples for me put in stark contrast the reality of the boarding school experience and a common perception of boarding schools.

The first weekend we spent at our son's school for Parents' Weekend. Despite the relatively large size of the school, we continue to be amazed by the personal touch we encountered from faculty and administrators. Our son remarked that he has never been happier in school, he is continually being pushed outside his academic comfort level, and he loves his extracurricular activities. The other children we met were also enthusiastic about their experience. One girl said, "This is the first time I've felt like I fit in school." There were many parents there who seemed to share a close bond with their children. Clearly it is a school filled with bright, athletic, well-adjusted kids.

Last weekend I attended my twenty-fifth college reunion. My roommate, who remains a dear friend, has a daughter in eighth grade who is, according to her mother, the brightest child in her kindergarten through twelfth grade country day school in the mid-Atlantic and a gifted vocalist and athlete. She wants to put her in another day school where she will be more academically challenged, but there isn't another school conveniently located. Naturally I suggested boarding school, to which my friend responded, "I love my child. I wouldn't send her away." My response was, of course, "My children have the opportunity to attend boarding school and get the best education because I love them." It clearly made some of my other old friends uncomfortable that I had chosen to "send my children away" too.

Another friend who lives in a prosperous suburb told me she has been getting the same response in her community. Clearly people either don't understand what boarding school is, or they feel as if we're suggesting that the local schools where they send their children aren't good enough. When the reality is that we simply don't feel that the local school is the best place for our child. We're not passing judgment on their decision.

My feeling is that individual parents know the right course for their own children. If you are considering boarding school, please visit some schools and talk to the kids there before allowing yourself to be swayed by public opinion.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under the pen name "Boarding School Mom" and all family, child consultant, and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ's Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com. 

Editor's Note: "A Parent's Boarding School Admission Journal" appears every Thursday throughout the admission season. Check-in each week to read the Boarding School Mom's latest entry.

Having undergone the prep school admissions process twice with our son, we thought we knew what we were doing, but our highly focused eighth grade daughter has disabused us of that notion and taken charge of the school search. Before school was out last June, she had me schedule her appointment with the educational placement consultant. She arranged for a meeting with the head of her current school to seek her input as to appropriate schools, and she started doing research on-line.

After researching about 20 different schools which included driving through some over the summer in order to get the feel of the school without students, she has narrowed her list to 11 at which she wants to interview. While her father and I would like to have her within two hours of home, she insists on considering three schools in southern New England and one in California, a school highly recommended as a good fit for her by both our consultant and the head of her current school. Our daughter is considering all-girls schools, co-ed schools and schools both with and without strong horseback riding programs. She has been thoughtful about her choices, so we are trying to be open-minded; and in fact are looking forward to our trip west.  

Now as any of you with multiple children know, they are different. Our son let us drive the process, read the catalogs in the car on the way to the tour and may have heard half the advice offered by the consultant. As a boy, the whole question of what to wear was moot. The same navy blazer, tie and penny loafers worked for every interview for two years. She has had two practice interviews during which she was encouraged to provide thoughtful, expansive answers to the interviewers questions and discouraged from fidgeting, actually studied for the SSATs, and has spent the last month worrying about what to wear to which interview.

Some observations from the field on the school visit:

1. Be on time. We once observed a mother and daughter break out in a heated argument in the reception area blaming each other for being an hour late.
   
   
2. Turn off your cell phone.
   
   
3. Have your child dress at least to the school's dress code.
   
   
4. Parents too should dress to the dress code but also should not upstage their child. I have been distracted by fathers in blue jeans and tee shirts and mothers in sequins that might have been more fitting at a holiday party.
   
   
5. Wear comfortable shoes. Tours always involve a lot of walking over uneven ground and are often in the rain, cold or snow. I have regretted choosing vanity over comfortable and warm.
   
   
6. Have a snack and a drink before you arrive. Most schools offer only the token cookie, and we are invariably starving by the time we leave.
   
   
7. Write thank you notes promptly and your child should do the same. While I have no idea if this has any effect on the outcome, it seems the right thing to do.

 
The First Interview

Our daughter's first interview was two weeks ago. Because we were worried that she would be overcome with stage fright and not speak, our consultant arranged for her to interview with a very experienced admission officer at a school where she should be a strong candidate. 

The school had arranged for a girl who had attended our current school to give the tour.  However when that girl failed for some reason to show up, they recruited a lively, engaging senior to show us the school. Our daughter was smitten with the girl's passion for the school, articulate description of its strengths and, I must admit, her sense of style. They chatted away, and I might not have been there. The last time I had seen the school there had been many feet of snow on the ground, and this sunny, warm day the school seemed much more attractive. I worked my way through much of the reading material in the reception area while she was interviewed. Imagine my astonishment when my turn came, and I learned my daughter had chatted away for 40 minutes.

When we left, the admission officer gave her a rubber mascot of the school and a pen with the school's name. Our daughter was delighted. That night she e-mailed her tour guide a thank you and received an immediate reply offering to answer any further questions and wishing her luck. She sent a prompt thank you to the admission officer and received a lovely note in return with a magnet shaped like the school's pennant. The feedback from the school through the consultant was that the interview had gone well. Our daughter was so warmly received at this school that she definitely wants to apply and indeed feels she should go there if accepted because they have been so nice to her.

I am so grateful that she had a positive first interviewing experience to build her confidence as we go forward. We'll see what the next ten interviews bring.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under the pen name "Boarding School Mom" and all family, child consultant, and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ's Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com. 
 

Editor's Note: "A Parent's Boarding School Admission Journal" will move to a regular Thursday publication schedule. Check-in each week to read the Boarding School Mom's latest entry.

By this time we felt like professionals, our son was more confident; and we were more knowledgeable. We realized that the first impression gained in the admission office can tell you a lot about the school. We also learned to chat up the tours guides more. The best tour guide, the one from the school our son now attends, happened to be the student council president and his enthusiasm for the school and his thoughtfulness about the strengths and weaknesses of the school were most engaging. Many were memorable however. There was a school where our son had competed and didn't get that "friendly feeling", but we thought he should consider where the tour guide confessed in the chapel (I am not kidding.) to being on probation for alcohol abuse but as she hadn't been drunk very often, she appreciated the school's several strike policy. This was not what I wanted to hear as the mother of a then 14 year old. There was the tour guide who gave us a long tour of the gym and the multiple rowing tanks but just walked us by the outside of the academic buildings with the comment that he was at the school because his sister went to another school on our list, and she said he wouldn't be able to do the work at her school. This is the same school where the admissions representative told our son the kids in the dorm would think he was weird because he reads books. One school my husband and I really liked, our son ruled out; because the tour guide pointed out another tour guide and said "if you come here, don't talk to him; because he's weird."

Two of the best experiences were at smaller schools. At one school we were given a tour by a member of the faculty while our son went out with a member of the cross-country team, which is one of his sports. While our son was being interviewed, the headmaster made a point of introducing himself to all the parents in the waiting room. When we met with the admissions staff, other members of the girls and boys cross-country team introduced themselves to our son. The other really positive experience also paired us with a runner for a tour guide, and the cross-country/track coach visited with us in turn while the other was being interviewed.

The actual writing of the applications was no less stressful for doing it the second time only the pain was condensed as he had to get them done by the end of Christmas Break by mandate of his school's placement office. There was no delaying until the deadline. He reapplied to the two schools where he had previously been rejected and which remained his first choices. These were the long shots. He applied to two schools which seemed likely and two which we were pretty confident would take him.

This time when the day of determination arrived, he was accepted at the two "back-up" schools, wait-listed at the two "likely" schools, rejected at one of the competitive schools and accepted at the school he had wanted to attend since seventh grade. This school which is large and as our son says, "doesn't have to have a lot of rules, because there is so much work there's no time to get in trouble" seems to be a perfect fit for him. He's been there a month and loves it. He is stimulated and challenged by the academics, enthusiastic about the sports and gamely exploring new activities from debate to break dancing. In retrospect, it was a blessing that they did not accept him initially as his year at a junior boarding school gave him the confidence and study skills to succeed in this relatively unstructured and academically challenging school.

Recognizing and Understanding the Best Fit for our Daughter
Now we are embarking on the same adventure with our daughter.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under the pen name "Boarding School Mom" and all family, child consultant, and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ's Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com. 

Editor's Note: "A Parent's Boarding School Admission Journal" will move to a regular Thursday publication schedule. Check-in each week to read the Boarding School Mom's latest entry.

One of the benefits of working with a consultant is that she was able to provide feedback from the interviews. Some of this was positive, but from others we learned that our normally voluble son had been uncommunicative and distant. I was also dismayed when sometimes he would hardly speak to the tour guide. Nevertheless, I made sure he followed-up promptly with a thank-you note, and we proceeded confident that he would be accepted at a competitive school. In fact against the advice of the consultant, he only applied to four schools.  Of these schools, three he would have been happy to attend and one we would have been happy to have him attend.

Then came the dark day when the consultant called to tell us that he had been rejected at two schools and wait-listed at two schools. As we recovered from the blow, she was terrific at helping us explore our options. One, we could push to get off the wait lists. By this time we only considered one of the wait list schools an option based on some things we had learned about the other school, but our son felt the school's strength - outdoor winter sports- didn't align with his interests. Two, she felt some of the schools at which he had interviewed but to which we hadn't applied, might accept him. We considered this as we had liked the feel of these schools very much, but felt that if they were the right fit, we would have applied there initially. Three, she suggested he attend a junior boarding school for a year and reapply the next cycle.

We knew next to nothing about junior boarding schools but our consultant gave us background information on the three she felt were most appropriate. All were within two hours of home and all terrific schools, but one she felt would be the best fit for our child. She arranged for us to visit on short notice. The tour guide was an intelligent, friendly boy and our son said that despite the rain, the school had a happy feel. The paperwork was submitted immediately, facilitated by the brevity of junior boarding school applications in comparison to the many essays required by prep schools. In one of the nicest touches we've experienced in our admissions journey, the school's Director of Admissions called shortly thereafter to tell us personally that our son had been accepted.

That Speed-bump Worked-out for the Best
He had a great ninth grade year at that school. In a supportive environment that truly understands boys, he studied with bright, engaging teachers, was coached by enthusiastic, talented adults who encouraged good sportsmanship and dedication, had terrific opportunities to participate in theater and the academic team and had the fun of living with boys from all over the world and this country without the pressure of trying to impress girls. He was able to prove that he could thrive in a boarding environment and that he could succeed at sports he had never been exposed to in his small school at home. He also had a fresh set of references from a school well-known to the high schools to which he next applied.  

The school has a great placement office with which we worked, but we also chose to retain our consultant again. She knew our son better than the placement office and also was supporting a smaller pool of kids. This time we again looked at nine schools, six of which were new to us. Although we understood the benefit of looking farther afield, we were clear that we wanted him within two hours of home.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under the pen name "Boarding School Mom" and all family, child consultant, and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ's Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com.

Our son attended a small, private, K-8, day school in our rural area. There were twelve kids in his graduating class. He had had the opportunity to sit in on a history class and have a tour of one, highly-competitive, boarding school in seventh grade and was sure that's where he wanted to go. His school didn't really have a high school placement effort, so we made a wise investment in hiring an educational placement consultant. We are now on our third cycle with her and have found her support and counsel invaluable.

She interviewed our son and provided us with a list of schools to explore via view books and web-sites and, from which, we narrowed the list to nine at which we would eventually interview. She wisely advised us to consider schools considered less competitive along with the "name" schools. She also encouraged us to look beyond the 100-mile radius we had initially imposed as schools seek geographic as well as ethnic diversity.  

By mid-September all nine visits were scheduled and the navy blazer had been purchased, and we set forth sure that our son, being the great kid that he is, would have many choices.  We were astounded by the facilities of many schools which seem to rival college campuses. A strong sense of community and caring embraced us at some schools, while at others we were dismayed when we saw athletes injured on the playing fields whose teammates couldn't be bothered to give them a hand up and ask if they were o.k.

We saw schools with more structure and restrictions than we impose at home, and we saw schools with what seemed like such little oversight, he might as well have his own apartment in the city. At some schools the admissions staff clearly were pleased that we were considering their school and made every effort to make us feel welcome, but at some we had the impression we were wasting the admission officer's time.

In my next post, I'll talk about a speed-bump and how the consultant helped us work through the process.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under the pen name "Boarding School Mom" and all family, child consultant, and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ's Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com.

As the parent of two children, a tenth grader who has gone through the admissions process twice (more on that in my next post) and an eighth grader who is in the process of applying to boarding school, and having visited 16 schools in the last two years; I was excited to be asked by AdmissionsQuest to share a parent's view of the admissions experience. The highlights are that you meet a lot of interesting people, visit many picturesque parts of the country, and get to spend a lot of quality time with your child.

As we assessed how the qualities of a school would be a fit with our son's strengths and weakness, we got to know him better. The downsides, as I'm sure any of you who are undergoing the process now understand, are the pain of having your child judged as "good enough" for a school, anxiety over finding the right school and how much it's going to cost and having Thanksgiving and Christmas vacation fraught with tension as your child gathers "inspiration" for his essays by watching movies and you turn into a harridan because application deadlines are looming.

Perhaps the hardest part is feeling that your child is competing for spots against their friends. Try as you might, it's hard not to think about how many from your school will get in where or to keep from panic when you hear a certain coveted school only has six spots for tenth grade boys. I have experienced the lowest lows and the great satisfaction of having our son find exactly the right school for him twice. Of course experience gives me some composure as we launch into the admissions cycle with our daughter, but I still feel a gnawing in my stomach as I contemplate the journey ahead of us.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under the pen name "Boarding School Mom" and all family, child consultant, and school names will be changed or omitted. You can reach AQ's Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com.

Photo Credit: bookgrl

We're excited to welcome a new blogger and series to onBoarding Schools. The title, "A Parent's Boarding School Admission Journal," will be written by a parent who's currently going through the school search process. This great new voice- rich with perspective and insight- will be a regular feature of onBoardingSchools during the 2008-2009 school year.

"Boarding School Mom" will share, comment, and reflect on her thoughts and experiences as she works to find the best boarding school fit for her youngest child. onBoarding Schools readers will enjoy an open, frank parent's take on everything from settling on a school list, to school visits, and interviews to working with an educational consultant. If a family has to work through it while finding a school; she'll probably talk about it.

She brings a wealth of experience and dose of good story telling to the onBoarding Schools audience. This is her family's third boarding school search and they have worked with the same educational consultant for each child's admission process.

To maintain privacy and confidentiality, our author writes under the nome de plume "Boarding School Mom" and all family, child consultant and school names will be changed or omitted.

You can reach AQ's Boarding School Mom at boardingschoolmom@admissionsquest.com.