Sometimes, no matter how hard we’ve tried, we, as parents, can’t give, or do, what best for our children. No blame. No finger pointing. It’s just the fact that, imperfect human to imperfect human, parents sometimes fall short. We want to beleive that they can provide everything necessary for our children. Sometimes, it doesn’t work. That’s why we see the doctor; see the therapist; and send children to wilderness programs.

We know our failings. But choosing to send a child away and into a therapeutic setting, can’t help but be humbling. Even with a no-fault perspective, it means that something wasn’t working. Our nurturing failed. Our genetic matter didn’t add up the way we hoped. We didn’t intervene soon enough. What we’re doing or have done isn’t good enough for a son or daughter.

It’s humbling for parents to face the fact that their nurturing and home are no longer the best, safest place for their child. Johnny or Suzy needs to go somewhere else for a better environment or specialized care- to work with a professional.

Everyone in boarding school education has encountered variations on this theme.

The LA Times published a nice expository piece this past Saturday “Sending Your Child Away” covering the issues facing parents as they consider and follow through on therapeutic treatment options for their kids in crisis. It’s bad enough that one’s parenting bears some responsibility for a child in crisis. It’s even tougher for parents to admit that they, and their child, need professional help in working out of a crisis.

Powerlessness is humbling.

“…There are times — emotionally exhausting and agonizing times — when parents realize that something in the family system has gone horribly awry and that for a kid’s safety and future, the son or daughter is better off living somewhere else. It is a terrible decision to have to make — one that is scary, expensive and humbling. So what makes a parent do it?

These tend not to be people who think normal adolescent challenges constitute a crisis. Sending a kid away can make the child feel abandoned, therapists say, so we’re really looking only at parents pushed to an extreme response because of an extreme situation. Think drug addiction, promiscuous and unprotected sex, school truancy or the threat of suicide.

It is rare, but perhaps not as rare as one might think. One parent interviewed for this story described herself as “close with her kids.” Another said that the family made a point to eat dinner together five nights a week. The parents were not divorced. They were not struggling financially. They were seemingly “normal,” except they had run out of skills to deal with their deeply troubled children.

‘People say you cannot send your kid away until you reach the point where you think they are not safe,’ said one mother, who, like every parent and child interviewed for this column, asked that her name not be used to protect her family’s privacy. ‘For a parent to admit that someone can do a better job with the person you love best in the world is a very humbling place to be.’

Psychologists said that on some level, deciding to send your kid away to be taken care of by strangers is admitting to a fundamental inadequacy. Your child desperately needs help, and you, the parent, are no longer in a position to help.

‘For a parent, taking this step can be like admitting they are an alcoholic,’ said Dr. Ron Glick, a clinical psychologist who works with teenagers in Hermosa Beach. ‘They are admitting they’ve failed as a parent…’” (LAT)

Successful completion of a therapeutic program isn’t a cure or a magic elixir. But, it can serve as a reset button from both child, parents and family.

“‘A lot of what my program did is allow people to communicate again,’” the teen Xanax abuser said. “‘Things will not be perfect afterwards, but things are more likely to be normal.’” (LAT)

Related posts:

1. Global Financial Crisis Affecting A Traditional International Student Population?
2. Mom Authors Heartfelt, Well-Written Take Why and How Her Family Chose A Learning Differences Boarding School
3. How is the Recession Affecting Family Decisions in Independent Schools?
4. Family Sacrifice Helps Connecticut Private Schools Weather Recession
5. Identifying and Serving the Highly Capable Child