It’s confession time.

Not only am I a college counselor, but I am also the mother of a senior. And this week our daughter wrote to her college counselor and complained about her mother.

Yes, I confess … in my worst moments, I have said and done some of the very same things that I have blithely counseled parents NOT to do. And I now I understand why perfectly sane, rational, well-educated human beings morph into maniacal, controlling, desperately driven lunatics.

They have a senior in high school.

In March I thought I was doing really well. My daughter and I had a memorable mother/daughter road trip through Maryland, Virginia, and Pennsylvania and I learned a thing or two about visiting colleges as a parent, with a senior in tow. The first thing I learned was not to listen to your teenager when she tells you what she is looking for in a college. My urban-seeking daughter fell in love with a college that was truly rural, and we even toured when the students were on break. There wasn’t a student or professor in sight when she got out of the car, turned to me and said, “You know, Mom, I really love this place.” Yes, I thought – it’s all about the fit and the feel. And it truly is, which is why putting 2,000 miles on the car, eating a week’s worth of fast food, and laying your head to rest in a different state each night is completely worth it.

The second thing I learned was that the tour guide is the most important person in the Admissions Office. Never mind the Dean, the VP for Enrollment Management, the interviewer, or even the super-friendly, welcoming receptionist who shows you where the bathroom is before you even ask. It’s the tour guide who makes or breaks the deal. We toured a school that I know and love well that had everything that my daughter was looking for, but the disinterested, gum-chewing, sloppy tour guide made me think twice about the school. My daughter will never go near that campus again. On the other hand, after a mediocre presentation at a school that made my daughter threaten to head for the car and nap, the tour guide was so friendly, interested, and interesting, that my daughter fell in love with the school.

But it was April and May, and I found to my horror that I could say things like, “Don’t you think you should be studying for your SAT/ACT/SAT Subject Tests?” Out loud! And this week, as October 1st passed and the ED/EA dates in November loomed, in a moment of complete stress, I blurted out, “Shouldn’t you be finishing your Common App/supplements/college essay?” Even worse I had just finished reassuring two sets of parents that we had the application process well in hand, that they were not to worry and, yes, we were well aware of the deadlines. It was then that our daughter emailed her college counselor (and my colleague) begging her to ask me to back off and calm down. I expect a phone call on Monday morning.

And the moral? The college process is stressful for students, and they don’t need their parents to add to the stress. On the other hand, I now know firsthand how stressful this process is for parents. That is where the college counselor comes in. We need to tread the delicate balance between parents and students, reassuring the one and helping/monitoring the other through the minefield of testing, applying, writing, elation and dejection that we call the college process.

About Anne Richardson:
Anne Richardson joined Kents Hill School in July of 1998, and currently serves as the  Director of College Counseling and the Director of the International and ESL Programs. In addition to working as the Director of College Counseling, she was also the Academic Dean for 6 years and the Director of Communications for 5 years.  Anne is also active in the New England Association of College Admissions Counseling (NEACAC), serving on the faculty and as chair (2006) of the Summer Institute from 2002-6, as Vice-President in 2007-8, and is currently serving as President-Elect of the association. Anne teaches ESL and serves as the faculty advisor to Kents Hill’s Amnesty International program.

Prior to 1998 she was Dean of Middle School Students at Hamden Hall Country Day School in Hamden, Ct. In addition to teaching English there, she also served as Director of Community Service and Director of the Summer School. Ms. Richardson earned her A.B. in English from Oberlin College and her M.A. in Liberal Studies from Wesleyan University.

Photo credit: Nathan T. Baker